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Ahead of our meal, I note with relief that I don’t have to worry about what I’m wearing, given that it will be kit-off.

Although I do rather wish I had undertaken some sort of exercise regime in the last few weeks.

“She looked like a model, to be honest, and when we started talking she was so friendly.

Normally the most amiable man on earth, my boyfriend just kicked a fake prehistoric tree stump in a fit of what may be termed “hipster rage.” A chap with a beard has just insisted he remove his trousers, be stripped of all writing implements and surrender his phone.

As for grooming, I feel this is a matter best left to the imagination. After some furtive to-ing and fro-ing about The Bunyadi’s secret, south London location (only revealed once you have a ticket, and then you are sworn to secrecy), a kindly bouncer gives us the thumbs up and we slip into the sweaty under-gloom.

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Deliberately looking away from the usual headliners dominating the festival scene, the line-up focuses on home-grown talent, with a particular emphasis on acts that cut their teeth in the boiling South London musical scene. A rich mix of undulating lawns, protected ancient woodland and a beautiful lake make this a scintillating new vantage point from which to experience your city.Someone should tell these millennials that the rest of us have been there, done that back in the wattle-and-daub days of Seventies cookery.